Does Not Play Well with Others

This is the situation with my in-laws; they don’t like to “share” us.  Meaning when they come to visit, they want our undivided attention with no one else around to interfere.  Yea, strange isn’t?  I grew up in a family where it was “the more the merrier” idea, however, my husband’s family, mmm, not so much.  So now I have my grandparents coming this weekend (staying with my sister), as well as my in-laws (staying with us) and everyone is coming around the same time, staying for the same length of time and have about an equally far drive in order to visit.  All parties have one thing in mind, visiting the baby!   I have yet to tell my in-laws.

When these weird, sticky situations come up, I want to run and hide and just not deal with it.  However, I know that’s not realistic.  So I ask myself, what can I apply here?  What yama or niyama can I learn from in this instance?  Asteya comes straight to mind.  This is a good opportunity to observe and perhaps learn about boundaries and respect within my life.  Asteya or non-stealing is not just the literal sense of “I stole some physical object from you” but also the idea that we can knowingly or unknowingly steal others’ time, energy, respect and cross numerous boundaries within our relationships.  Phillip Moffitt, author of the article, “Good Fences…Make for Good Relations,” suggests a four step process when evaluating and defining your boundaries.  The first is to recognize when something doesn’t feel right.  I often associate this with my “gut instinct” and listening to that internal voice telling me things aren’t right.  The second is to recollect yourself physically so that you can be emotionally present.  For example, feeling your feet on the ground and observing your posture and breath can allow us to simply be in the moment.  Third is to discern that there is a boundary that is being crossed.  Just consciously recognizing and acknowledging that something is wrong and realizing we don’t have to feel this way can be helpful.  Lastly, act upon those feelings in a mindful way.  Keeping in mind our own personal values and not crossing those in order to deal with the current problem, but being rash and level-headed about the situation.  Sometimes this might mean not to act, or to come back to it later when emotions aren’t so high, or it might mean doing something physical to soothe yourself, perhaps some asana  or going for a walk; the main point is to do what is best to initiate change.  Also, in the last step comes pondering of the self.  This is where I find it most difficult, asking deep questions such as, “do I bring this upon myself by going outside my own boundaries?”  “do I manipulate other’s boundaries?”  Looking at our role in a boundaries lesson is sometimes not fun, but it can present good information. 

Back to the in-law situation:  I respect both my grandparents and in-laws time.  I also respect my own family’s time.  While I understand my in-laws point of view, I don’t agree with it, therefore I’ll let them know and they can decide for themselves.  I’ll stop worrying about it and hopefully they can realize that sometimes ya just gotta share…

Intentions

1. Continue to give myself the care I need

2. Always get back on my mat, remembering that on it, my soul feels at home

3. Staying grounded in the important things in life:  Family, time, nature, yoga, contentment, love, ease.  Not:  Money, work, pleasing others, perfection

4.  Remembering that what is meant to be will be

5. Completing my YTT training and somehow, someway start teaching

A Helping Hand

Why is it so difficult for us to receive help? There’s lots of no, no, no, you don’t have to, I’m fine, I don’t need it, etc…It’s an interesting thing. A helping hand feels so much like we’re burdening others and we spend so much time convincing that we are just fine doing things ourselves, when yet, maybe, it would be nice, even if it’s just for the company or the levity or even the extra hands. My mom has always said “Many hands make light work”, I never felt comfortable with that. I was always too caught up in not wanting to take away from other peoples lives, sort of a “they have really important things to do, why bother them with this?” Aren’t we just as worthy of others time? Wouldn’t we if the situation was reversed, help in a heart beat? We talk and teach this concept of loving ourselves and knowing our true value, but do we practice it?

Music vs. No Music

When I first walked into the studio, I heard the vibrant music and laughed.  I found it amusing to have music playing after our discussion on sound and silence.  Then, I was under the impression that it was from the last class, which I thought made more sense.  Slow to catch on, I eventually realized this was M’s music playing for us. 

I was prepared to come in with a more quiet, softer nature but the music was quite upbeat, earthy and vibrant.  All of which I easily respond to.  So I did get a slight mood change, however I was aware and conscious of it.  I wanted to do my 15 minutes of freestyle with a less yang approach, but I did find it more difficult as the drums and rhythms swirled around me.  Then the music changed to something a bit softer and I noticed how I responded to this, I slowed down a bit. 

I realize how torn I am with this idea of music vs. no music.  I love practicing to it, but yet I don’t.  I’ve been thinking about the times that I want to have it on and what my practice looks/feels like.  My practice is usually much more powerful/energetic, perhaps even going a bit too far into something.  It seems that at these times I could do just as well with more of a yin style/restorative practice (especially in my current state).  I have to be very mindful of not getting caught up in the music but instead hear my own body first. 

Which, brings me to the conclusion that if I have to be so cautious with music, how does your everyday Joe/Josefina respond to it?  I’m not saying that they wouldn’t be mindful, but as I think about being a teacher and implementing these ideas, it’s difficult to see how the average person wouldn’t at some point check out during a song. 

Lastly, I keep thinking about this:  We (as a society) are constantly in a state of stimulation.  We have so many bright colors through advertising, our clothes, sounds through our phones/computers/radios/TVs and working long non-stop hours.  We hardly take time for ourselves and just listen to what this body needs.  So wouldn’t I be perpetuating the cycle if I always play music in my yoga class?  Couldn’t this just be adding to the overdrive of our stimulated world? 

Before I took this journey, it was a given… I was going to play music and I couldn’t wait to share my selections with others!  However, I now believe that it truly depends and that there is an appropriate time and place. 

Humbly~CC

Ahh, leftovers…

Sometimes leftovers can be exciting and yummy, something we’re actually looking forward to having.  Other times there are things lingering around for days that we’d rather not open because they were stashed in the corner and “forgotten” about and now they probably aren’t very good.

I had both types of leftovers from our last yoga weekend. 

Clean out the old stuff first:

1. I think I’m paranoid…have I become one of those women that constantly bring up their pregnancy?  Eeeekk (yes, I really did just make that sound because writing it down is even worse!!)  I think I asked a lot of pregnancy related questions last weekend and that feels awful.  I mean, it’s not all about me, so just stop bringing it back around to yourself CC!

2. What did M mean by (not direct quote,) “you kind of had an easy sequence there”??? {That was feedback in reference to the poses I taught to the group during our teaching session.}  That wasn’t my intention, I was just trying to let everyone else take what they felt most comfortable with.  But what’s really leftover from this comment is this:  Did I just take the easy road?  Ugh, that’s terrible.

3.   Guilt, guilt, guilt!  I have yet to sweep the studio after a weekend together! 

Blessed be, onto the yummy leftovers:

1. The tenderness and depth of sharing that came from the group this weekend.  The honesty that’s in this group of women is palpable.  It’s genuine and true and allows us to come into a place within ourselves that would otherwise be scary and I personally wouldn’t delve into.  But there it was, another weekend of it and I do feel honored to be a part of it.

2. T’s kindness and offerings to help me adjust/arrange things even when she was in a funk.  I love that about you, thanks for your efforts even when you were down and out! 

3. Our discussion about transitioning into yoga teaching as a full-time career.  This is stuck in my brain.  M’s guidance of realizing what our truths are and how the things we’re doing now line up with those truths has come up repeatedly over the last 2 weeks.  It’s not that I’m unhappy with what I do…it’s just that the organization that I work for isn’t even close to my truths and most times when I’ve tried to change this, I get shut down.  I realized with the above stated pearl of wisdom, that it’s not that I’m not happy…I do love teaching people about their bodies…it’s just not how I want to be doing it.  And figuring that out brings infinite thoughts/ideas/opportunities! 

That’s my leftovers good and bad, but it’s good to clean out the fridge for both.  Can’t always just take what we want, we have to survive with what was served to us too (even if it is a couple of days old). 

Big belly hugs!

~CC

Lucy

Lucy or AKA Lucille when she was naughty )

She had the most beautiful eyes:  Greenish brown, with rust colored eye lashes, crinkling at the corners when she smiled.  And yes, she smiled!  At first E, my husband thought I was just having a proud parent moment.  But she did it all the time:  When we’d first say good morning to each other, getting out of the car after a long drive, seeing family–she smiled ear to ear!  She also talked… and scolded… and complained… and commented on most things!  She was a Vizsla.  Honestly, our first child. 

Lucy was only 2 years old when she recently left us, but it seems that she is still everywhere… 

 Last night, we had friends over and their 6-year-old daughter, Autumn, asked me about Lucy’s whereabouts.  I was caught off guard!  Well of course she would remember her!  Autumn played with Lucy every time we went backpacking, camping or visited her parents!  Panic!  I hadn’t prepared for this question.   

Thinking about Lucy still brings me to tears, especially writing the above info–but I realized last night how important it is to face that.  Yes, there is pain, suffering and loss wrapped up in that reply; but there is also love.  And love isn’t just the good stuff–it’s also the tough stuff.  To not honor that is to not fully understand the meaning of love.   

I answered Autumn as best I knew how.  Yes, she died.  Yes, she went to doggie heaven.  No, we didn’t bury her in the backyard.  Where?-Under her favorite cedar tree in the mountains.  Where is doggie heaven?-This one got me!  In honor of Satya (truth),  I answered to the best of my knowledge–Ya know Autumn, I’m not really sure.  Because who am I to “know?”  Thankfully, it was her bedtime and so I was saved from anymore interrogations from a 6-year-old!   

Today when I was out on my walk on my lunch break, there was a Vizsla!  Right in front of me, looking oh so much like my girl (except he was obviously a boy!) And the other day, I was at the yoga studio (It’s All Yoga) and someone was showing a picture of their adorable little girl.  Guess what her name was?  Yes–Lucy. 

She is all around, though not physically here.  And I thank Autumn for teaching me that love doesn’t just manifest itself when it’s physically present:  Love appears in whispered questions (or interrogations) from a 6-year-old, or shows up on a walk or in a discussion at the yoga studio.  It’s all around us and whether we choose to embrace it or not becomes the question.  

  

Satya (truth) in my practice

I have found myself being more honest with myself during my asana than I have ever been before.  Is it because it’s not just me in the practice, but TC too?  Is it because I don’t physically have the same space to work in?  Or is it because I don’t feel as ego driven? 

It’s strange this feeling of freedom to do what feels good!  To listen to what my needs are.  To just be honest and live in that moment. 

For the first time in class last week, I came out of a pose early and went into Child’s pose.  I felt nothing but gratitude towards myself for realizing that this is what I wanted.  On this cloud of realization, I did it again during my morning practice yesterday.  I was preparing to do Eagle pose and found that I really didn’t want to!  Instead I did Tree, which felt simple and nice and truthful.

I do think I my ego was leading the way somewhat in practice.  And don’t get me wrong, I’m sure my ego will come into play again.  But to know that it feels just as good to not push and struggle into a particular pose is like eating the first sweet juicy homegrown tomato after a winter without them!  To get that instant gratification from listening to my body during my practice, that is a pearl of wisdom that came from me.  That pearl is satya-truth.

Growth

Definition of growth per Merriam-Webster Dictionary:  a stage in the process of growing; progressive development; a producing especially by growing. 

Growth comes in so many forms:  In nature, within ourselves, loved ones, physically, it is all a part of life.  I have the honor to experience this growth.  Not only am I growing another being inside me, but I myself am growing physically and emotionally!  The last time I went on this yoga journey, I wasn’t at a place to fully accept this growth.  I’m now embracing what it might bring.  The physical reminder of growth is such a good one, especially during pregnancy because you can see the changes.  With emotional growth, it takes more time, patience, intention to view this blossoming within an individual. 

I am growing and I feel excited!

Explaining Topsy Turviness

Thanks Bob for the comment!  I think I need to explain this cycle that I’m in:

I miss all my YTT family, I think that may have a bit to do with the topsy turviness?!!  I told Michelle I was going to need YA (Yoga’s Anonymous)!  And I think I was right on with that! 

But honestly, I just keep feeling so guilty for not having completed anything for YTT.  I see everyone so active with the studio, each other, yoga and I just wonder how come I can’t do that to???  What’s my issue? 

Michelle asked me at one point if maybe I don’t have enough physical time in my day and I quickly answered with something like, “No, no, I want to do this, I know I can, this is what I want to do!!”  But then I realized maybe she was on to something??? 

But then I panic and think of what I’m missing out on, who I’m missing it with, why I’m letting what I want go to waste and yet wonder after all this failedness am I worthy of this?  Why should I be so privileged to get through this and make it happen when I can’t commit??   This cycle continues all throughout my days.  I go through it constantly, no matter what I’m doing.  Talk about Monsters, apparently I needed Havi’s workshop too!!

So now I’m back to the beginning again, maybe I should just let it go for now. 

 Oh, but here it comes:  I want to do this! 

Ring around the rosy….  )  Enough for now.

~CC

Teaching Myself

The past year has been downright chaotic.  I’ve graduated, my husband’s graduated, we both got new jobs in our field of study, bought a house, went through yoga teacher training, dealt with lawsuits and created new programs at work.  But through all this I’ve still wanted to push through and continue on.  Until this past month.  I’ve been exhausted, grumpy, upset with my decisions and downright topsy turvy.  I haven’t practiced yoga very often and I feel guilty for not having completed anything for my YTT. 

But tonight, for some reason, I came to this realization:  I’m only in my 20′s; I have a lifetime.  I don’t have to do it all at once.  And oh yea, I’m human, hah!  I love this realization!  And even though I want to be amazing all the time, I can’t be. 

Food for thought…

~CC